man in the mirror

This week, on Monday, a lot of crap happened to me, ok, what felt like a lot of crap to me. I stupidly left my stuff where I shouldn’t which is very unlike me really. Some lumpens broke into my car and stole. They stole it all. I cannot decide who I am madder at. The thieves or myself. Either way, I lost stuff and it felt and still feels horrible.
I am trying to be positive; to look for the silver lining, to understand the lesson to be learnt. Today, I read a blog that made me promptly get over myself. It belongs to a guy I briefly met last night called Rhino although his real name is Raymond. He has lost so much lost both parents so young, lost family or what are family ties, lost the girl he loved. However, instead of wallowing, he blogs and says what he has learnt. In fact, he is beginning a project called pay it forward, that means for every act of kindness done to you, do it forward, to someone else, do not expect anything in return for this.
I feel horrible, I feel selfish, vain and materialistic. I lost my sister’s bag, really pretty bag, I lost her necklace and all she said was “byansi byakufa byakuleka” . I lost my ipod, I loved my ipod, really really loved it. I lost my shades, perfume, flash disc with so much space; I lost lotion, really nice one, those are the major ones. What is interesting is that I did not pay a cent for any of the things aforementioned. But still I whine. Is that the reason for the attachment? That they were gifts, I do not know. All I know is that I feel very shallow. I feel like I am fast becoming a selfish girl. Like I do not give enough of myself, time and energies. All I seem to care about is getting more and more. I bought a car within 6 months of the job , I bought land just after a year. Am I in the fast lane? Yes. Is this a bad thing, not necessarily. I think I need to find a balance. My life revolves around me, my lover, my job, my books and family. I am not happy. The last time I felt really happy was a couple of years ago when I did volunteer work at Sanyu babies home. That was a happy time for me. Fulfilling and a real reality check. I gave to those that needed it and I did not expect anything at all. That was great. I have to go back to giving. I have to go back to loving; I have to go back to outside me.
How do I start this? I must give of myself every single day. It might be a word, it might be a smile, it might be material. The bottom line is that I must give, expecting nothing except to make someone’s life better. I start here and now, infact, I shall keep a log of this. Gradually, it shall become a part of my life. I shall give and give and give and I shall be happy. I am sure of it. I shall be kinder to everyone, I shall be nicer and warmer.

I shall return to Sanyu babies home, I shall give of myself